Thought of the Day

Fact: Scientists have found that men's hair grows faster when they think they are about to have sex.

Conclusion: Men with a lot of hair are fooling themselves most of the time.

Some moneyspinning ideas from the white-hot crucible of my creativity:

• Possibly the last uniformed profession to remain unexploited by strippergrams: the lollipop lady. I think this is a winner. They could suddenly jump out in front of your car and start taking their clothes off. Could play around with those big stop signs, too.
• Breakfast food that you can eat in the shower because you've woken up too late. I am thinking something like porridge in a great big toothpaste-type tube. Still need to develop this as you would need your hands free to wash yourself. Possibly it would be better to use some sort of waterproof nosebag.
• A call-out service for bikes. Sparked by the fact that I got another puncture on Monday. The pattern of my life lately seems to be that I ride my bike to some almost inconceivably distant point, the tyre goes flat and I am forced to literally carry my bike the many, many miles back home. Should stop now as I checked the tyre and found that I apparently ran over a syringe some time in the recent past. Unwoo.

This week's Odds-On Favorites

Tim Parkinson of The Unbearable Shiteness of Being writes:

Sid James spanked away his Carry On Millions by betting on the nags. "Roo-ha ha hahhaha 2/1 at Newmarket"

Follow the great man's example by placing your bets on the following sub-onion vignettes.

Ker-chinnnng!

Eamon Holmes white hot light entertainment juggernaut continues to flatten everything in its path.	2/1
Tax surplus to be spent on blowing cocaine up nation's arse.	4/3
Well-off gay couple book city break.	5/2
Next Daft Punk album inspired by Picady Witch and Bubbla Ranx.	EVENS
Vanessa's weight loss to form refreshing meat substitute.	2/3
Robin Cook licking too much pussy	5/1
Partygoer mentally stretched with pleasantries.	2/9
NME readers vote McNugget Gold Rush best live event of 2001.	8/2
Office temp flicks through Heat magazine and picks disinterestedly at yoghurt in lunch hour.	7/1
Black private dick, sex machine with all the chicks.	9/1
Radiohead to record album only they can hear.	EVENS
Drugs fail to relieve boredom, self worth.	EVENS
New Nokia phone powered exclusively by wheatbeer and 2 step.	9/1
Manic Street Preachers record song about life in Maddington Donkey Sanctuary.	9/1
Connex unveil new aerodynamic coffin-shaped trains.	4/1
Phat awaits call from News Huddlines	EVENS