Friday, December 28, 2001

Lord of the Rings Drinking Game
Go see the film - it's ace. Take a bottle of vodka or, I don't know, MD 20/20 in with you. Have a drink every time
  • a hobbit does something really stupid that could ruin everything
  • someone remembers the echoey words of someone wise (two drinks if it's Gandalf)
  • the camera plummets from some mind-numbing height into stygian depths lit only with a baleful flickering glow
  • someone says something, then shouts it very loud (two drinks if it's "Run. Run!!!")
  • someone rides a horse in slow-motion
  • there is an absolutely huge set of steps
There are probably a lot better ones that I can't think of right now. Still an excellent film, though. Definitely going to see it again, despite the dodgy dialogue..

Saturday, December 22, 2001

Thought of the Day
Fact: Scientists at New York's Pace University have found "no scientific evidence" of the existence of the so-called G-spot.

Conclusion: This is more information than I needed to know about the sex lives of scientists at New York's Pace University.

Conclusion 2: I have at last reached the bottom of the barrel.

Monday, December 17, 2001

"brilliantly realised, an exotic, hyper-real English countryside"
"a quite thrilling spectacle, densely textured, handsomely played and surprisingly light on its feet"
"a piece of wonderment beyond anything crafted for the cinema in a long time"
"made by a genius masquerading as a normal human being"

Admittedly these journalists are referring to the Lord of the Rings film. But, had they seen it, I'm sure they would be saying the same things about Giant Bee.
Ever made up an incredibly clever password for a site? Something no-one would ever guess? Then forgotten it completely? Er, no. Me neither. Would never do anything that stupid.

Saturday, October 20, 2001

Thank goodness
I am so glad Kurzweil CyberArt have come up with this.. it will leave me much more quality time to file things and add numbers together.

Wednesday, September 05, 2001

So I officially have glandular fever
I've got the test results and everything. The doctor rang me up specifically to tell me not to kiss anybody. That's pretty cool, in a James Bond/Mickey Spillane "my lips are deadly" kind of way.

Of course it's pretty depressing in a "my god, I'm a social leper" kind of way too. Hope it goes soon before I crack up and go on a city-wide licking spree and they have to gun me down like the mad dog that I am.

My friend Helen just made the point that this 'no kissing' business could be just what I need to jump-start my career as a high-class prostitute. Hmm. There's a thought.

Friday, August 10, 2001

Not Exclusive!

In fairly typical style let mine be the third or fourth website to link to my own flash movie - Jada! Enjoy. Possibly. (not to be taken internally may aid weight loss only as part of a calorie-controlled diet)

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Thought for the day
Fact: A green banana is full of starchy carbohydrates, providing long-term energy reserves. However, the longer the banana is left, the more starch converts to sugars, giving a shorter-term energy boost.

Conclusion: Nature is capable of far more profound and bitter irony than could ever be dreamed of by mortal men.

Monday, June 25, 2001

Purple Ronnie: The Truth IV

Sunday, June 24, 2001

Purple Ronnie: The Truth III

The Lettuce Crisis failing to materialise, spending the last month in an airtight bunker full of legumes was perhaps ill-advised. No matter.

Thursday, May 17, 2001

Troubling news

There is a Lettuce Famine. Because of a national shortage of the leafy vegetable, lettuce prices could as much as double. Oh dear god, no.

Wednesday, May 16, 2001

Purple Ronnie: The Truth II

Chupacabras has a moment of clarity

Monday, May 07, 2001

When will this EU madness end?

It seems that councillors in Vienna have now made it illegal to fish using a line trailing from a plane or other fast moving vehicle. It is now also illegal to hunt deer with explosives, in order to bring the Austrian city "in line with EU legislation." Folly. If we don't use the very best military hardware against animals, then what are we to do with it? Obviously it would be barbaric to turn weapons against our fellow human. And, believe me, if a fox had a rocket launcher he would not hesitate to use it on you, possibly utilising a Heckler & Koch MP53 for close-up work in your chicken coop afterwards. Damn them. Damn them all to hell.

Sunday, May 06, 2001

HTML Movies - Retrospective

Since the HTML movie phenomenon is now over by about four or five days, it seems the time is ripe for a retrospective of the movement that, to some, proved the internet’s preeminence in the presentation of fully immersive multimedia content..
To the tsluts mailing list, and mainly Rob, the HTML movie is not illusion!

Today a technological storm is raging of which the result is the elevation of cosmetics to God. By using new technology anyone at any time can wash the last grains of truth away in the deadly embrace of sensation.
The illusions are everything the movie can hide behind>

The tsluts mailing list, and mainly Rob, counters the film of illusion by the presentation of an indisputable set of rules known as MIDI FILES AND DANCING CRAP.
Classics of the genre

Saturday, May 05, 2001

Words that McDonald’s has tried to trademark:
  • McFamily
  • McBaby
  • McTime
  • McLife
  • McSpaceShuttle.. least according to Harper’s Magazine. Something of an anti-McDonald’s weekend in the papers. Apparently the fast food giant is the world’s largest purchaser of satellite imagery. It uses a computer system to pick where the next franchise will open. Apparently the computer chose a site 1 mile from Dachau as an appropriate venue. Apparently for a brief period the company distributed leaflets saying, “Welcome to Dachau and welcome to McDonald’s.” Freaky.

Wednesday, May 02, 2001

Purple Ronnie: The Truth

Friday, April 13, 2001

No thoughts for a while. My apologies. Please hold. Here is a picture of a dog with his chicken friend to enjoy until normal service is resumed.

Thursday, March 29, 2001

Thought of the Day
Fact: Scientists have found that men's hair grows faster when they think they are about to have sex.

Conclusion: Men with a lot of hair are fooling themselves most of the time.

Saturday, March 24, 2001

Some moneyspinning ideas from the white-hot crucible of my creativity:
  • Possibly the last uniformed profession to remain unexploited by strippergrams: the lollipop lady. I think this is a winner. They could suddenly jump out in front of your car and start taking their clothes off. Could play around with those big stop signs, too.
  • Breakfast food that you can eat in the shower because you've woken up too late. I am thinking something like porridge in a great big toothpaste-type tube. Still need to develop this as you would need your hands free to wash yourself. Possibly it would be better to use some sort of waterproof nosebag.
  • A call-out service for bikes. Sparked by the fact that I got another puncture on Monday. The pattern of my life lately seems to be that I ride my bike to some almost inconceivably distant point, the tyre goes flat and I am forced to literally carry my bike the many, many miles back home. Should stop now as I checked the tyre and found that I apparently ran over a syringe some time in the recent past. Unwoo.
This week's Odds-On Favorites
Tim Parkinson of The Unbearable Shiteness of Being writes:

Sid James spanked away his Carry On Millions by betting on the nags. "Roo-ha ha hahhaha 2/1 at Newmarket"

Follow the great man's example by placing your bets on the following sub-onion vignettes.


Eamon Holmes white hot light entertainment juggernaut continues to flatten everything in its path.2/1
Tax surplus to be spent on blowing cocaine up nation's arse.4/3
Well-off gay couple book city break.5/2
Next Daft Punk album inspired by
Picady Witch and Bubbla Ranx.
Vanessa's weight loss to form
refreshing meat substitute.
Robin Cook licking too much pussy5/1
Partygoer mentally stretched with pleasantries.2/9
NME readers vote McNugget Gold Rush best live event of 2001.8/2
Office temp flicks through Heat magazine and picks disinterestedly at yoghurt in lunch hour.7/1
Black private dick, sex machine with all the chicks.9/1
Radiohead to record album only they can hear.EVENS
Drugs fail to relieve boredom, self worth.EVENS
New Nokia phone powered exclusively by
wheatbeer and 2 step.
Manic Street Preachers record song about
life in Maddington Donkey Sanctuary.
Connex unveil new aerodynamic coffin-shaped trains.4/1
Phat awaits call from News HuddlinesEVENS

Wednesday, March 21, 2001

Thought of the day
Fact: women are slightly more acidic than men. Cosmetic and sanitary products are formulated slightly differently because of the differing pH values of the sexes.

Conclusion: Men: do not use your girlfriend's soap or you will be horribly burned.
Some facts about cockroaches
The cockroach is proportionately the world's fastest land animal. Experimenters have found that two cockroaches running against each other will run faster than an individual cockroach. Cockroaches will run faster if they are being watched by other cockroaches. If you cut off a cockroach's head it will eventually die of starvation. One day cockroaches will rule over all. All.

Conclusion: funny things, cockroaches.

Friday, March 16, 2001

All your style issues solved:
Mind control techniques
Vulcan mind meldBrainwashing
James Bond Films
OctopussyLive and Let Die
View to a KillDr No
Brides of Henry VIII
Anne BoleynJayne Seymour
FTThe Guardian
Members of the Beatles
Richard Starkey
John Lennon
Paul McCartney
George Harrison
Tread patterns
Sea food
King prawnMadagascan king prawn
Cooking ingredients
Dead rock stars
Mama CassJimi Hendrix
Fat ElvisYoung Elvis
Old skool sweets
Cola bottlesFlying saucers
Pixie dustAngel dust
Garden tools
Girls' names
Poisonous mushrooms
Fly AgaricDeath Cap
The Destroying AngelPuffballs
Things of minor consequence
Congenital deformities
Cleft palateClub foot
Women over 40
Pam AyresMadonna
Jackie CollinsYour mum
Men over 40
Alwyn CrawshawRolf Harris
Brian SewellTony Hart
Marks & Spencer'sCo-op
Parts of the female anatomy
Roofing materials
Deadly sins
Evil androids
Catholic iconography
Sacred HeartRosary
Bellybutton types
French landmarks
Pompidou CentreLe Massif Central
The Rue Morgue
Internet games
Monkey InvadersGak Attack

(written by dave & rob last night.... )

Tuesday, March 13, 2001

Thought for the day

A small mind is a tidy mind.

Monday, March 12, 2001

Deja poo
Being a somewhat visual kind of person, I tend to store influential images in kind of internal gallery. As a matter of habit, after an enjoyable bowel movement I naturally glance into the bowl to see the results of my exertions and on many occasions have been lucky enough to witness a remarkable doppelganger of a previous creation. I wonder how many other great scatologists have experienced this kind of 'deja poo'? This phenomenon took a leap into anothr realm the other day when I fried up a couple of juicy pork sausages for my tea. A couple of hours later, having answered the call of nature, I gazed with confusion and awe at the sight of these sausages beautifully reassembled and nestling side-by-side in the toilet pan. A kind of cacsimile, if you will. Is this just coincidence or should I write to Arthur C. Clarke? I wish I'd taken a photograph.
Met this guy the other day...

His name is Kev. He was the guitarist in Dexy's Midnight Runners between 1981 and 1985. This is him looking bored and reading Q Magazine, while I fail to make conversation. Bet you don't have as rock'n'roll a life as me.
Thought for the Day
Fact: When you walk around outside you are carrying an eight-mile-high column of air on top of your head. When you are in your home you are carrying a three-foot high column of air on top of your head.

Conclusion: Stay in your home.

Saturday, February 17, 2001

My computer has started making strange noises at night. A few months ago I found a snail in my Zip drive so I fear the worst. it is probably mice. My computer set up is gradually being reclaimed by nature. My printer has stopped working too. The ink nozzle could be clogged with baby weasels.

Sunday, February 11, 2001

Unsuccessful video night tonight. My suggestion - Boys Don't Cry. Good film. Didn't realise it was quite so dark, though. New housemate John came in to find us peeking through our fingers at the screen during a particularly harrowing extended torture scene. Kind of stilted the conversation. Hope we haven't made the wrong impression. Tonight's big stories: the Swiss Army is to disband its bicycle-riding elite brigade. Apparently the bikes feature special fold-out compartments and clips so they can carry machine guns and stuff. They're military hardware so you can't export them. Also: dogs with heart problems are being fitted with pacemakers. All well and good, but they're being taken from dead people. I think that's a bit creepy. Although possibly a good basis for a horror/romantic comedy film. Sure those'll be the big discussion topics next week. Oh yeah, a lot of business deals have happened and there's a war on.
So this potato is run over on the way to the chip shop. He wakes up in hospital and the doctor tells him he has some good news and some bad news. The potato says "Give me the good news first. " The doctor says, "We've managed to save your eyes." "So what's the bad news?" asks the potato. The doctor replies, "I'm afraid you're going to be a vegetable for the rest of your life." Aha ha. The Daily Star is the best paper today for this joke and for the slightly troubled tone of the technology column. Sony's new bioluminescent screens are "almost enough to make you want to stay alive for the next two years." "Store whatever you want. I couldn't give a monkey's." Excellent stuff, sort of. Work is hell at the mo, as ever, but in quite an entertaining way. The Daily Mail has just called for cannabis to be legalised and the Guardian wants stricter controls on immigration (because they're taking our jobs etc). These are truly the last days. Apparently some bloke in America has invented the Orgasmotron. It's an implanted signal generator in your spine. Which is all well and good, but the pictures show that it's activated via a remote control. Perhaps it's just me but I don't understand the need to trigger an orgasm from twenty feet away. Oh well actually maybe I do. Don't know if I mentioned this a while back, but Drew Barrymore wants to be cremated when she dies, then fed to her cat. This is, apparently, so that she can "live on forever inside him." Er loads more where that came from - reading too many tabloids. Babbling, overtired, better get off to life drawing.