Thought of the Day
Fact: Scientists have found that men's hair grows faster when they think they are about to have sex.Conclusion: Men with a lot of hair are fooling themselves most of the time.
Thursday, March 29, 2001
Saturday, March 24, 2001
Some moneyspinning ideas from the white-hot crucible of my creativity:
- Possibly the last uniformed profession to remain unexploited by strippergrams: the lollipop lady. I think this is a winner. They could suddenly jump out in front of your car and start taking their clothes off. Could play around with those big stop signs, too.
- Breakfast food that you can eat in the shower because you've woken up too late. I am thinking something like porridge in a great big toothpaste-type tube. Still need to develop this as you would need your hands free to wash yourself. Possibly it would be better to use some sort of waterproof nosebag.
- A call-out service for bikes. Sparked by the fact that I got another puncture on Monday. The pattern of my life lately seems to be that I ride my bike to some almost inconceivably distant point, the tyre goes flat and I am forced to literally carry my bike the many, many miles back home. Should stop now as I checked the tyre and found that I apparently ran over a syringe some time in the recent past. Unwoo.
This week's Odds-On Favorites
Tim Parkinson of The Unbearable Shiteness of Being writes:Sid James spanked away his Carry On Millions by betting on the nags. "Roo-ha ha hahhaha 2/1 at Newmarket"
Follow the great man's example by placing your bets on the following sub-onion vignettes.
Ker-chinnnng!
| Eamon Holmes white hot light entertainment juggernaut continues to flatten everything in its path. | 2/1 |
| Tax surplus to be spent on blowing cocaine up nation's arse. | 4/3 |
| Well-off gay couple book city break. | 5/2 |
| Next Daft Punk album inspired by Picady Witch and Bubbla Ranx. | EVENS |
| Vanessa's weight loss to form refreshing meat substitute. | 2/3 |
| Robin Cook licking too much pussy | 5/1 |
| Partygoer mentally stretched with pleasantries. | 2/9 |
| NME readers vote McNugget Gold Rush best live event of 2001. | 8/2 |
| Office temp flicks through Heat magazine and picks disinterestedly at yoghurt in lunch hour. | 7/1 |
| Black private dick, sex machine with all the chicks. | 9/1 |
| Radiohead to record album only they can hear. | EVENS |
| Drugs fail to relieve boredom, self worth. | EVENS |
| New Nokia phone powered exclusively by wheatbeer and 2 step. | 9/1 |
| Manic Street Preachers record song about life in Maddington Donkey Sanctuary. | 9/1 |
| Connex unveil new aerodynamic coffin-shaped trains. | 4/1 |
| Phat awaits call from News Huddlines | EVENS |
Wednesday, March 21, 2001
Some facts about cockroaches
The cockroach is proportionately the world's fastest land animal. Experimenters have found that two cockroaches running against each other will run faster than an individual cockroach. Cockroaches will run faster if they are being watched by other cockroaches. If you cut off a cockroach's head it will eventually die of starvation. One day cockroaches will rule over all. All.Conclusion: funny things, cockroaches.
Friday, March 16, 2001
All your style issues solved:
| In | Out |
|---|---|
| Mind control techniques | |
| Vulcan mind meld | Brainwashing |
| Hypnosis | Microchips |
| James Bond Films | |
| Octopussy | Live and Let Die |
| View to a Kill | Dr No |
| Brides of Henry VIII | |
| Anne Boleyn | Jayne Seymour |
| Media | |
| FT | The Guardian |
| Members of the Beatles | |
| Richard Starkey | |
| John Lennon | |
| Paul McCartney | |
| George Harrison | |
| Tread patterns | |
| Cross-ply | Radial |
| Sea food | |
| King prawn | Madagascan king prawn |
| Deodorants | |
| Mum | Sure |
| Cooking ingredients | |
| Eggs | Flour |
| Dead rock stars | |
| Mama Cass | Jimi Hendrix |
| Fat Elvis | Young Elvis |
| Old skool sweets | |
| Cola bottles | Flying saucers |
| Pixie dust | Angel dust |
| Garden tools | |
| Strimmer | Hoe |
| Flymo | Secateurs |
| Girls' names | |
| Angie | Patsy |
| Bernadette | Zola |
| Valedictions | |
| Pip-pip | Toodle-oo |
| Poisonous mushrooms | |
| Fly Agaric | Death Cap |
| The Destroying Angel | Puffballs |
| Things of minor consequence | |
| Peccadilloes | Bagatelles |
| Animals | |
| Cod | Monkeys |
| Guppies | Blennies |
| Congenital deformities | |
| Cleft palate | Club foot |
| Women over 40 | |
| Pam Ayres | Madonna |
| Jackie Collins | Your mum |
| Men over 40 | |
| Alwyn Crawshaw | Rolf Harris |
| Brian Sewell | Tony Hart |
| Supermarkets | |
| Marks & Spencer's | Co-op |
| Sainsbury's | Asda |
| Parts of the female anatomy | |
| Thighs | Nipples |
| Breasts | Knuckles |
| Emotions | |
| Glee | Fury |
| Schadenfreude | Lust |
| Roofing materials | |
| Asbestos | Thatch |
| Tin | Slate |
| Deadly sins | |
| Sloth | |
| Evil androids | |
| Cybermen | Decepticons |
| Buses | |
| 543 | 510 |
| 542 | 501 |
| Catholic iconography | |
| Sacred Heart | Rosary |
| Colours | |
| Turquoise | Azure |
| Scarlet | Crimson |
| Bellybutton types | |
| Outies | Innies |
| French landmarks | |
| Pompidou Centre | Le Massif Central |
| The Rue Morgue | |
| Internet games | |
| Monkey Invaders | Gak Attack |
(written by dave & rob last night.... )
Monday, March 12, 2001
Deja poo
Being a somewhat visual kind of person, I tend to store influential images in kind of internal gallery. As a matter of habit, after an enjoyable bowel movement I naturally glance into the bowl to see the results of my exertions and on many occasions have been lucky enough to witness a remarkable doppelganger of a previous creation. I wonder how many other great scatologists have experienced this kind of 'deja poo'? This phenomenon took a leap into anothr realm the other day when I fried up a couple of juicy pork sausages for my tea. A couple of hours later, having answered the call of nature, I gazed with confusion and awe at the sight of these sausages beautifully reassembled and nestling side-by-side in the toilet pan. A kind of cacsimile, if you will. Is this just coincidence or should I write to Arthur C. Clarke? I wish I'd taken a photograph.
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