Thursday, March 29, 2001

Thought of the Day
Fact: Scientists have found that men's hair grows faster when they think they are about to have sex.

Conclusion: Men with a lot of hair are fooling themselves most of the time.

Saturday, March 24, 2001

Some moneyspinning ideas from the white-hot crucible of my creativity:
  • Possibly the last uniformed profession to remain unexploited by strippergrams: the lollipop lady. I think this is a winner. They could suddenly jump out in front of your car and start taking their clothes off. Could play around with those big stop signs, too.
  • Breakfast food that you can eat in the shower because you've woken up too late. I am thinking something like porridge in a great big toothpaste-type tube. Still need to develop this as you would need your hands free to wash yourself. Possibly it would be better to use some sort of waterproof nosebag.
  • A call-out service for bikes. Sparked by the fact that I got another puncture on Monday. The pattern of my life lately seems to be that I ride my bike to some almost inconceivably distant point, the tyre goes flat and I am forced to literally carry my bike the many, many miles back home. Should stop now as I checked the tyre and found that I apparently ran over a syringe some time in the recent past. Unwoo.
This week's Odds-On Favorites
Tim Parkinson of The Unbearable Shiteness of Being writes:

Sid James spanked away his Carry On Millions by betting on the nags. "Roo-ha ha hahhaha 2/1 at Newmarket"

Follow the great man's example by placing your bets on the following sub-onion vignettes.


Eamon Holmes white hot light entertainment juggernaut continues to flatten everything in its path.2/1
Tax surplus to be spent on blowing cocaine up nation's arse.4/3
Well-off gay couple book city break.5/2
Next Daft Punk album inspired by
Picady Witch and Bubbla Ranx.
Vanessa's weight loss to form
refreshing meat substitute.
Robin Cook licking too much pussy5/1
Partygoer mentally stretched with pleasantries.2/9
NME readers vote McNugget Gold Rush best live event of 2001.8/2
Office temp flicks through Heat magazine and picks disinterestedly at yoghurt in lunch hour.7/1
Black private dick, sex machine with all the chicks.9/1
Radiohead to record album only they can hear.EVENS
Drugs fail to relieve boredom, self worth.EVENS
New Nokia phone powered exclusively by
wheatbeer and 2 step.
Manic Street Preachers record song about
life in Maddington Donkey Sanctuary.
Connex unveil new aerodynamic coffin-shaped trains.4/1
Phat awaits call from News HuddlinesEVENS

Wednesday, March 21, 2001

Thought of the day
Fact: women are slightly more acidic than men. Cosmetic and sanitary products are formulated slightly differently because of the differing pH values of the sexes.

Conclusion: Men: do not use your girlfriend's soap or you will be horribly burned.
Some facts about cockroaches
The cockroach is proportionately the world's fastest land animal. Experimenters have found that two cockroaches running against each other will run faster than an individual cockroach. Cockroaches will run faster if they are being watched by other cockroaches. If you cut off a cockroach's head it will eventually die of starvation. One day cockroaches will rule over all. All.

Conclusion: funny things, cockroaches.

Friday, March 16, 2001

All your style issues solved:
Mind control techniques
Vulcan mind meldBrainwashing
James Bond Films
OctopussyLive and Let Die
View to a KillDr No
Brides of Henry VIII
Anne BoleynJayne Seymour
FTThe Guardian
Members of the Beatles
Richard Starkey
John Lennon
Paul McCartney
George Harrison
Tread patterns
Sea food
King prawnMadagascan king prawn
Cooking ingredients
Dead rock stars
Mama CassJimi Hendrix
Fat ElvisYoung Elvis
Old skool sweets
Cola bottlesFlying saucers
Pixie dustAngel dust
Garden tools
Girls' names
Poisonous mushrooms
Fly AgaricDeath Cap
The Destroying AngelPuffballs
Things of minor consequence
Congenital deformities
Cleft palateClub foot
Women over 40
Pam AyresMadonna
Jackie CollinsYour mum
Men over 40
Alwyn CrawshawRolf Harris
Brian SewellTony Hart
Marks & Spencer'sCo-op
Parts of the female anatomy
Roofing materials
Deadly sins
Evil androids
Catholic iconography
Sacred HeartRosary
Bellybutton types
French landmarks
Pompidou CentreLe Massif Central
The Rue Morgue
Internet games
Monkey InvadersGak Attack

(written by dave & rob last night.... )

Tuesday, March 13, 2001

Thought for the day

A small mind is a tidy mind.

Monday, March 12, 2001

Deja poo
Being a somewhat visual kind of person, I tend to store influential images in kind of internal gallery. As a matter of habit, after an enjoyable bowel movement I naturally glance into the bowl to see the results of my exertions and on many occasions have been lucky enough to witness a remarkable doppelganger of a previous creation. I wonder how many other great scatologists have experienced this kind of 'deja poo'? This phenomenon took a leap into anothr realm the other day when I fried up a couple of juicy pork sausages for my tea. A couple of hours later, having answered the call of nature, I gazed with confusion and awe at the sight of these sausages beautifully reassembled and nestling side-by-side in the toilet pan. A kind of cacsimile, if you will. Is this just coincidence or should I write to Arthur C. Clarke? I wish I'd taken a photograph.
Met this guy the other day...

His name is Kev. He was the guitarist in Dexy's Midnight Runners between 1981 and 1985. This is him looking bored and reading Q Magazine, while I fail to make conversation. Bet you don't have as rock'n'roll a life as me.
Thought for the Day
Fact: When you walk around outside you are carrying an eight-mile-high column of air on top of your head. When you are in your home you are carrying a three-foot high column of air on top of your head.

Conclusion: Stay in your home.